Harry Pothead and the Strangest Year Ever
by Andy Hoyt
Summary: Hogwarts gets a television for a muggle education class but strange things begin to happen.
1. Chapter 1: The Movies

Harry Pothead and The Strangest Year Ever  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters in this story. Do I look like J.k Rowling? NO! I don't own any thing in this story except the plot. So don't sue me!  
  
Chapter One: The Movies  
  
It was a cold day at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. Draco Malfoy was sitting in the Slytherin common room. He was daydreaming while Pansy Parkinson was chattering on about how ugly Hermione Granger was. He was thinking about yesterday when Dumbledore said that we were now having classes to study muggles. "Hermione was going to be bringing some DVDs whatever those were and show us muggle videos. Ugh! Who cares about fucking muggle movies! It makes me sick to think about it," Draco said.  
  
"You are soo right! It's just like that mudblood to volunteer for something so stupid!" Pansy exclaimed. Suddenly he realized that he had potions homework to do. Once that was done they left for the Grand Hall for dinner. Draco made his way to the Slytherin table. Dumbledore made an announcement before allowing anyone to eat.  
  
"Now, as you may know, everyone will begin taking classes on muggle study tomorrow. Your class schedules have been changed," Dumbledore said. Suddenly everyone's schedules appeared before them. "Now Miss Granger has volunteered to show us some movies that muggles have made. Your teacher for Muggle History will be Professor Greenleaf. Professor Greenleaf is new here so please be on your best behavior, or I'll toss you into Fluffy's cage or drown you in the lake. Ahem, now where was I? Oh yes." As Dumbledore droned on and on about the class Draco couldn't help, but think: "Shut the fuck up and let us eat!" Finally after two hours later Dumbledore stopped talking and everyone was able to eat dinner.  
  
The next day came and Draco walked to the Muggle History class. On his way there he ran into Harry and his friends. "Watch where you're damn going, Pothead!" Draco yelled.  
  
"Why don't you watch where you're damn going, Malfoy" Harry said. Then Crabbe and Goyle came up to Draco.  
  
"Does Harry want to die?" Goyle said raising his fist.  
  
"No thank you I'll just be on my way he he," Harry said backing away.  
  
"It's really sad that you, Malfoy, need body guards," Ron said.  
  
"What did you say?" Draco asked angrily.  
  
"I could kick your ass easily," Ron said.  
  
"Care to demonstrate?" Draco asked. Ron looked a little nervous.  
  
"Don't worry Ron I'll kick his ass for you," Harry said.  
  
Draco began to laugh, "Look, Weasel, Pothead's come to your rescue."  
  
"Shut the fuck up, Ferret!" Ron yelled.  
  
"I'll take you both down, down to Chinatown!" Draco yelled.  
  
"Bring it on, Malfoy," Harry said.  
  
"Stop! You're acting so childish! And we're gonna be late for class. You know I read that in a book that fighting promotes-" Hermione said before Goyle knocked her out. Everyone cheers. Goyle blushes. Suddenly Crabbe and Goyle are wearing cheerleading uniforms with the Slytherin colors.  
  
"U-G-L-Y! You ant got no alibi! You ugly! Yeah! Yeah! You Ugly!" Crabbe and Goyle cheered shaking pom-poms in the air. Harry, Ron, and Draco stare in horror at Crabbe and Goyle did splits and pyramids. Then Draco, Ron, and Harry got back to their duel. Draco pulled out his wand as did Ron and Harry.  
  
"Stupefy!" Draco cried. Harry dodged the magic spell in slow motion by bending over.  
  
"Imperious!" Harry shouted once he was standing. Draco jumped up in the air and did a flip while dodging the magic spell. Once Draco was on the ground Ron began a spell.  
  
"Wait!" Draco screamed. Ron stopped.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"My hair needs combing!" Draco screamed again. He quickly busted out his comb and began grooming his hair. Once his hair was perfect they continued the duel.  
  
"Flower Power!" Ron yelled. Before Draco could dodge it this time the spell hit him. At first nothing happened, then flowers started popping all over the place. Suddenly Professor McGonagall came walking through the hallway and saw them dueling.  
  
"What the hell you doing?! You are supposed to be going to class! Five points from Slytherin and five points from Gryffindor! Now get to class before I kick your ass!" Professor McGonagall yelled. They all quickly hurried to class. Professor Greenleaf caught them sneaking into their seats.  
  
"Now I want you all to know that I will not take points because this is the first day of class, but tomorrow if any of you is late you will lose points," Professor said. "Now Miss Granger would you please help me with the T.V?" Greenleaf says. While Hermione is putting in the movie Prof. Greenleaf says to class: "Now this movie is called The Ring. I hope you live through it." Greenleaf goes to sit in his chair by his desk. Hermione pressed play and the movie began:  
  
The first thing that was visible was a ring of light. Longbottom gulped nervously and began hugging a teddy bear. Pansy began to clutch Draco's arm so hard that Draco thought he heard a crack. Then on the T.V were two girls sitting in a bedroom watching T.V. They began talking about some video that kills people then the phone rings and they go downstairs. One girl goes upstairs and the screen goes black. Then you see some little boy in a school alone in the classroom. His mother walks in the door talking on her phone. She takes her son to the funeral of the girl that died. The mother of the girl that died tells the mother of the boy to investigate the death of her daughter. So the mother of the boy goes to this place where the girl and some friends hung out before dying a week later. The mother of the boy finds out that all of the girls friends died at 10:00 am. So she then finds out that this girl named Samara made the movie that kills people and she finds the well that Samara died in and releases the girl's spirit. Everyone in the movie thinks that everything is okay but while this guy named Noah watches the tape and Samara comes out of the T.V. She kills Noah and then something that wasn't supposed to in the movie happens. Samara began to walk through the T.V. in Professor Greenleaf's classroom.  
  
Samara was standing in a classroom at Hogwarts. Neville fell out of his seat in fright. Harry's scar began to burn like crazy. "That girl is somehow related to Voldemort!" Harry screamed. Everyone winced when he said the name. Professor Greenleaf ran in front of the class as if to protect them. He pulled out his wand and was about to say a spell when the wand snapped in two. Greenleaf screamed and ran out of the classroom. Samara smiled evilly. Harry jumped in front of Samara and raised his wand too, but unfortunately his wand broke as well.  
  
Harry made his fingers into a cross and screamed: "Back off!" Samara smirked and sent Harry flying into the wall. Samara walked toward Draco with the evil smile on her face. Draco stared in horror at her.  
  
"I love you Draco," Samara said hugging him. Everyone in the classroom was stunned. Suddenly Snape ran into the classroom followed by Greenleaf and Dumbledore. Snape and Greenleaf waited for Dumbledore to raise his wand before they hexed Samara.  
  
"Welcome to Hogwarts, Samara Morgan," Dumbledore said. Everyone in the class were surprised at what Dumbledore said. "Hello Uncle Snape!" Samara said to Professor Snape. Everyone's eyes widened. This was too weird.  
  
"Hello, Samara. I see you've made some friends," Snape pointed to some dead students.  
  
"Miss Morgan you will be sorted into your house now," Dumbledore said. To be continued!  
  
(A/N: So did you like it? Of course you did! Now review before I sic Deatheaters to kill you!) 


	2. Chapter 2: The Madness Begins

Chapter 2: The Madness Begins  
  
Everyone in Hogwarts made their way to the Grand Hall so that Samara could be sorted and so they could eat lunch. Professor McGonagall held up the Sorting Hat while Samara sat on the stool. McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat upon Samara's head. "Damn not another rotten kid! SLYTHERIN!" The Sorting hat said. Cheers came from the Slytherin table as Samara sat down beside Draco. Then everyone began to eat. Samara was the only one who didn't eat (she's a living dead girl). All Samara did was stare at Draco with great fascination. Meanwhile a owl dropped a letter onto Harry's lap. Harry opened the letter and read it:  
  
Dear Harry Pothead,  
  
I really hate you. One day very soon you will fall victim to my wand and lie in a puddle of your own blood. This year you wont defeat me like you did four times already, I will defeat you! Damn you Harry Pothead! If you would choke on a pretzel it would be most nice. Have a good and cheerful year!  
  
Your enemy,  
Lord Voldemort  
  
Once Harry was done reading that letter it was time to go to class. He had potions next. Meanwhile at the Slytherin table Draco said: "We have potions next. I'll show you to our class." Samara smiled.  
  
"Okay," she said. Pansy saw Draco and Samara walking to potions class and was very angry.  
  
"That evil crazy-ugh! She'll pay! One day she'll pay!" Pansy vowed.  
  
Once everyone was seating in potions class Professor Snape gave them a lecture. "We have a thief in the class. Now someone stole something very precious to me and I want it back. If I don't get it back I will mark down you grades," Snape said. Harry looked nervously around the room. "Now, I'm not naming any names.Pothead!" Snape said, "I know you have it! Give it back!" Harry looked as if he was about to die.  
  
"No! It's mine now!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Give Bunny back!" Snape yelled, eyes tearing up.  
  
"NEVER!" Harry yelled clutching a stuffed bunny.  
  
Snape began to cry, " GIVE BUNNY BACK!" Harry clutched the bunny even harder. Snape leapt up out of his chair and tackled Harry.  
  
The whole class began to shout: "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! JERRY! JERRY! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"  
  
"Give Bunny back to me! IT'S MINE!" Snape cried. Finally Harry was lying on the ground with bruises all over him and Snape was hugging Bunny. "SCORE!" Snape yelled happily. Harry began to cry while Hermione comforted him. Then it was time for lessons with Professor Trewlany.  
  
Everyone walked up the hundred-thousand-fifteen steps to Prof. Trewlany's class. "Now class, I want you to look into your tea cups and tell me what you see," Prof. Trewlany said.  
  
"I see a cow standing in the middle of a snow storm and the cow is saying 'Happy cows come from California'. What do you think it means Professor?" Neville asked.  
  
"Mr. Longbottom, you've got issues," Professor Trewlany said.  
  
"Professor I see Lord Voldemort in a pink tutu dancing around some Deatheaters singing strange songs by Linkin Park," Harry Pothead said.  
  
"Oh my," Trewlany said.  
  
"What does it mean Professor?" Harry asked.  
  
"You have a sick mind, Mr. Pothead. No offence," Prof. Trewlany said.  
  
"Professor, I see myself surrounded by hot girls," Draco said.  
  
"Not even in your dreams, Mr. Malfoy!" Trewlany said. Draco frowned disappointed.  
  
Next was Defense Against the Dark Arts class with Professor Quirrell teaching (I don't know why they hired him again). The minute Harry entered the class he screamed: "Not you again!" Professor Quirrell smirked.  
  
"You ca-can't g-get rid of m-me so easily," Quirrell said. They soon began the class. Quirrell took out a big cardboard box that shook. "N-now th-this is a e-evil cr-creature who d-dwells in th-the lands of K-Krynn. Be-beware it is dan-dangerous," Quirrell said opening the box. Suddenly a monster so horrid looking emerged from the box and everyone in the class (including Quirrell) was scarred for life. The monster was Gilderoy Lockheart.  
  
"Hello. Who am I and what am I doing here?" Lockheart asked getting out of the box.  
  
"He-hey! You're n-not the m-monster!" Quirrell said, angrily.  
  
"I'm not?" Lockheart asked.  
  
"NO!" Quirrell screamed.  
  
"Oh! That makes things totally different!" Lockheart exclaimed. Lockheart then sat down in a desk while the real monster came out. It was a purple monkey with red eyes.  
  
"OOKABALOOGACONGA!" The monkey yelled.  
  
"EEK!" Quirrell cried hiding under his desk.  
  
"Hello. Who are you?" Lockheart asked the monkey.  
  
The monkey yelled again: "MOOMOO!"  
  
"Hello, Moomoo. Lovely day isn't it," Lockheart said with a stupid smile. Suddenly Crabbe and Goyle jumped out of their seats and ran up to the monkey.  
  
"OOKABALOOGACONGA!" Crabbe and Goyle yelled.  
  
The monkey looked happy and said: "OOKA NA MEI MA."  
  
Goyle responded with: "MAYO!" Crabbe grunted in agreement.  
  
Now that Goyle and Crabbe had met their long lost relative, class had ended and it was time to eat dinner in the Grand (or was it Great?) Hall. Dumbledore began to make a speech: "Now, we have just gotten owl from the Ministry of Magic that Lord Voldemort is rising in power and will attempt to take over the school-"  
  
Suddenly Samara yelled interrupting Dumbledore: "YEAHH!" Everyone stares at Samara oddly. Samara blushes (even though she doesn't have blood) and says: "Hi."  
  
"Ahem! Like I was saying: Lord Voldemort is going to attack this school so um yeah well that's all I've got to say oh and be careful um you may eat now," Dumbledore said. Everyone began to eat and then they went to their common rooms.  
  
Harry walked around the common room thinking of a way to foil Voldemort's plans for taking over the school. "We should go to the library! The library solves everyone's problems!" Hermione said cheerfully. Ron looked at her and shook his head pitifully.  
  
"I say we sneak into his secret hideout and find out his evil plans!" Ron said.  
  
"Great idea! I'm so glad I thought of it!" Harry said.  
  
"But we don't know where his hideout is anyway!" Hermione said.  
  
"Good point," Harry said. Suddenly Draco walks into the Gryffindor common room with Samara following.  
  
"Hey! How did you get in here?" Ron asked.  
  
"The fat lady was stoned," Draco said and smirked.  
  
"Oh!" Ron said.  
  
"What do you want?" Harry asked.  
  
"Lord Voldemort's hideout is in the janitor's closet next to Myrtle's bathroom," Draco said.  
  
"Hey you weren't supposed to tell us important information until we torture you!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Oh, my bad," Draco said.  
  
"Okie-day! So we will now go to the janitor's closet to foil Voldemort's plans!" Harry said in his most heroic voice.  
  
"Okie-day?" Ron asked.  
  
(A/N: So in the next chapter Harry and Co. will foil Lord Voldemort's evil plans! See you then! *_*!) 


	3. Chapter 3: Journey to the Janitor's Clos...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, but the plot and the song called Revenge is Me. So don't sue!  
  
Chapter 3: Journey to the Janitor's Closet  
  
Harry and Co. ran through the halls to the Janitor's Closet. A horrible smell filled the hallways. "Ew! What is that smell?" Ron asked covering his nose.  
  
"That would be the Smellious plant. It is the most poisonous plant in the whole world. I read about it in Hogwarts History," Hermione said. Suddenly great light shone ever bright in front of them. They covered their eyes and when the light was gone a cow stood in front of them.  
  
"AHHH! It's a spy of You-know-who!" Ron screamed.  
  
"I be not a spy of Lord Voldemort, but the GREAT COW OF GLORY!" the cow said then angels began to sing.  
  
"Sweet evilness, it is the GREAT COW OF GLORY!" Draco said and angels began to sing. The cow nodded.  
  
"I have traveled from the pretty n' pink realms to help you Harry Pothead!" the cow said.  
  
"Cool," Harry said.  
  
"You are on a great journey to the Janitor's Closet to defeat the evil Lord Voldemort. I give thee a necklace crafted by house elves. It has the power to make things turn to pink dust!" the cow said handing Harry a golden necklace. "Now, I bid thee farewell. I must return to the pretty n' pink realms. Good luck Harry! Oh and remember: Great cheese comes from happy cows, happy cows come from California!" Then the cow disappeared showering them with cherry blossoms.  
  
"Ookay. So um we gonna uh move on?" Samara asked.  
  
Harry nodded and stabbed the air with his fist and said in his most heroic voice: "Let's roll!"  
  
"Who appointed you the leader?" Draco asked.  
  
"I did," Harry said.  
  
"Why couldn't I have been the leader?" Draco asked.  
  
"Because I'm the smartest, the bravest, and the hero of this story after all. You are just stupid and self-centered. I don't know why the author even bothered to put you in this story at all," Harry said.  
  
Draco, shocked: "You're just jealous because I'm pretty!"  
  
"I have my own fan club!" Harry bragged.  
  
"So I have one too. What makes you so special scarhead?" Draco said smirking.  
  
"Enough, you two! We're wasting time standing here arguing! Let's go before I go crazy!" Samara yelled over them.  
  
"You already are crazy," Hermione said. Samara's jaw dropped.  
  
"Let's roll! Voldemort is waiting for us to foil his plans!" Draco said.  
  
"Right," Harry said. Suddenly the demented author had a strange urge to have everyone change their clothes. Now everyone wore black leather pants and black shirts and sunglasses. In their hands they held guns.  
  
"Now this is what I'm talking about!" Ron said loading his gun.  
  
"Let's go show Voldemort what he's messing with!" Harry said. They all ran down the hall to the Janitor's Closet. "Now on the count of three we'll bust open the door," Harry said. They all nodded. "One." Harry started.  
  
"Three!" Samara yelled.  
  
"Two."  
  
"Three!" Samara yelled.  
  
"Two and a half."  
  
"Three!" Samara yelled again.  
  
"Three!" Harry yelled. They bust down the door and were shocked to find. Lord Voldemort in a pink tutu and the (gasp) Janitor singing a song he had just made up called "Revenge is Me":  
  
Revenge is me Ever sweet and bitter fun I hate Pothead, you see He's James's son  
  
Sweet revenge Sweet revenge  
  
Oh I'll get him some day But he'll always foil my plans Some day he will pay And he'll be live'n out of trash cans.  
  
Sweet revenge Sweet revenge  
  
Revenge is me Ever sweet and bitter fun Can't you see How much fun Revenge can be  
  
Sweet revenge Sweet revenge  
  
It's fun to be a villain I'll come up with evil plans While Pothead's just chill'n In his lil trash can  
  
Sweet revenge Sweet revenge  
  
R-E-V-E-N-G-E! Tell me what it means to me! R-E-V-E-N-G-E Is me  
  
Sweet revenge Sweet revenge  
  
Revenge is me Ever sweet and bitter fun Can't you see How much fun Revenge can be Hang'n wit me!  
  
Sweet revenge Sweet revenge  
  
Once the horrible song had ended. Lord Voldemort stopped dancing and bowed then spotted Harry and Co. He gasped: "How long have you been standing there Pothead and Co.?!"  
  
"Long enough. plus it's all on tape," Harry said pressing the stop recording button on his video camera.  
  
"Noooooo!" Voldemort screamed.  
  
"Sweet blackmail," Harry sang to the tune of "Revenge is Me".  
  
"NOOOOOOOO! This is unbearable! Pothead has foiled my evil plans for world domination! NOOOOOO!" Voldemort grabs a black cloak. "You'll be sorry, Pothead. I will defeat you EVENTUALLY!" And with that Lord Voldemort and the Janitor disappeared showering everyone with black cherry blossoms.  
  
(A/N: Yay! Lord Voldemort's evil and crazy plans have been foiled! Sweet revenge! Next chapter is bound 2 be as crazy as this. When will the madness end? Don't forget 2 review!) 


	4. Chapter 4: A New Student and More Bloody...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything except the plot and April and Professor Greenleaf.  
  
Chapter 4: A New Student and More Bloody Madness!  
  
It was the next day and Hogwarts had gotten a new student her name was..  
  
"Fielding, April" Professor McGonagall said. A girl with long black hair with blood red streaks sat on the stool as McGonagall placed the sorting hat on her head.  
  
"Mmm. very hard to place," the sorting hat said.  
  
"Wicked it talks," April said. Professor Snape deathstared April.  
  
"As I was saying: resourceful. smartass. yes. SLYTHERIN!" April jumped off the stool and sat down at the Slytherin table.  
  
"Hey, my name's Samara, but most people call me AHHH!" Samara said shaking April's hand.  
  
"Hey, I'm Malfoy. Draco. Malfoy," Draco said, smirking.  
  
"Hey. I'm from California it's in America, but I was born in Canada. Yeah. So what's your next class?" April asked.  
  
"Transfiguration with Gryffindork," Draco said.  
  
"Oh, wow, I have transfiguration next too," April said.  
  
"Why don't you walk with us. We'll show you around," Samara said.  
  
"Sure," April replied.  
  
After eating in breakfast they went to Transfiguration. "Now we will be changing quills into birds. now the spell is Changoinious. Now who has any questions before we start?" Professor McGonagall asked. April raised her hand. "Yes, Miss Fielding?" McGonagall asked.  
  
"Do we get to blow stuff up?" April asked.  
  
McGonagall looked surprised: "Of course not! I will not tolerate any explosions in this class."  
  
April's face fell, "Damn!"  
  
After Transfiguration they had Professor Trewlany. "Now class, today we will be-"  
  
April interrupted Trewlany: "Blowing up people to bits?" Prof. Trewlany glared at April.  
  
"No. We will be looking into teacups again. Now everyone pick up your cup and swirl it around whilst saying: Starlight star bright show me the future," Professor Trewlany said.  
  
"Professor! These tea cups are made out of paper!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"Budget cuts, Mr. Potter. All because of the Recall election with the Ministry of Magic," Professor Trewlany said shaking her head sadly.  
  
"Oh," Harry said looking back at the soggy cup that was falling to bits.  
  
Next they had Potions with everyone's favorite teacher: Professor Snape. "Ten points from Gryffindor. Now class we will be-"  
  
April cut into Snape: "Blowing up people to bits?" Snape who usually was evil suddenly smiled happily.  
  
"An excellent suggestion, Fielding! FIVE HUNDRED POINTS TO SYLTHERIN!" Snape said.  
  
"But, Professor Snape, isn't it against the rules to blow up people to bits? I read that in Hogwarts History that-"  
  
"Miss Granger."  
  
"Yes, Professor?"  
  
"FIVE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"  
  
"That's not fair Professor Snape!" Harry yelled.  
  
"TEN MORE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! Now class where was I? Oh yes, blowing up people to bits!" Snape hands the class guns, grenades, and other explosives. Then Snape took the class out into the hallway and they starting attacking helpless students! Oh the madness! Oh the bloody madness!  
  
Next they had a class with Madam Pomfrey. And after that they had a class with Professor Greenleaf. "Now class we will be-"  
  
"Blowing up people to bits?"  
  
"NO!" screamed everyone.  
  
"Watching a movie called the Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers. Now I hope you enjoy this movie," Professor Greenleaf went to his desk and fell asleep.  
  
The movie began with an old guy named Gandalf and a demon falling into a crack in the ground. Then Gandalf and the demon land on top of a mountain. "How come we fell for miles and landed on TOP of a mountain?" Gandalf asked the demon.  
  
"Who cares it's freaking cold up here. I'm leaving," the demon said walking away.  
  
"Cool. I guess now I'll just buy myself some white robes. White is in this year," Gandalf says.  
  
Then two hobbits by the name of Sam and Frodo are sitting on some rocks. "So, sir. Finally it's just you and me," Sam says.  
  
"Finally? What do you mean?" Frodo asks.  
  
"Oh. Uh nothing," Sam says.  
  
"Well, you're wrong we got company," Frodo says. Suddenly Gollum flies through the air and pounces on Frodo.  
  
"Hey! Wait your turn!" Sam yells at Gollum. Frodo and Sam tie Gollum up.  
  
"No! Smeagol not into ropes! Nasssty hobbitses!" Gollum says.  
  
"We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko!" Frodo says.  
  
"Mordor? Hobbitses having a little Goth phase, maybe? Very Nasssty wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. We can take you to Mordor. Can Smeagol offer eyeliner to Nasssty hobbitses?" Gollum says.  
  
"You stop talking to Mr- hmm (To Frodo) You know you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner." Sam says.  
  
Then a human, an elf, and a dwarf are wondering the land in search of two other hobbits. They come across a group of humans riding on horses. "Hey, have you guys seen a couple of little guys you know hobbits?" Aragorn (the human) asks.  
  
"Nope. Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned," Eomer says.  
  
"Thanks um that's. useful," Aragorn says.  
  
"Yeah, my bad. Here have some horses," Eomer says.  
  
In a forest two hobbits by the name of Merry and Pippin are lost. "Yay! We escaped the orcs!"  
  
"Uh. Merry? That tree is checking you out," Pippin says.  
  
"Furry lawn ornaments!" Treebeard picks them up and walks off.  
  
The man, elf, and dwarf come across Gandalf. "Hey kids, did you miss me?" Gandalf asks.  
  
"Gandalf! You're alive!" Aragorn exclaims.  
  
"I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!" Legolas (the elf) says.  
  
Aragorn, Legolas, Gandalf, and the dwarf go to Rohan to visit the king. The king's mind is being controlled. "Be blinded my new robes! Regain your former self!" Gandalf yells.  
  
"Yay! I'm me again, but damn my son's dead!" the king says.  
  
The guy who was controlling the king's mind says: "I'll just go now, thank you."  
  
"Good work, sire! Now collect your people and run to Helm's Deep!" Aragorn says.  
  
They all go to Helm's Deep, but on the way some orcs attack them. "Orcs!" Legolas screams and everyone starts killing the orcs.  
  
Once the orcs are dead Gimli (the dwarf) says: "What was that damn awful sound?"  
  
"I'm guessing orcs dying," Legolas says.  
  
"Actually it was Legolas's fan club shrieking in delight at his horse-back riding skills," Aragorn says.  
  
"Ugh! That's sickening! Ooh! Aragorn! Cliff!" Gimli yells. Aragorn falls off the cliff.  
  
"Oh no! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!" Legolas cries.  
  
Sam and Frodo are walking to Mordor. "Gollum is such a freak!" Sam exclaims.  
  
"Oh yeah! Well you're a jerk!" Fordo yells.  
  
"But he IS a freak," Sam says.  
  
"Whatever Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?" Frodo says.  
  
"Why are you picking on me?" Sam asks.  
  
"I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know," Frodo says.  
  
"What the hell?" Sam asks.  
  
"Shut up! Screw you! Go away!" Frodo yells.  
  
"What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing..."  
  
"Oh spare me!" Frodo stomps off.  
  
Aragorn arrives in Helm's Deep. Surprisingly enough he survived from falling off a thousand foot cliff. "Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you?" Legolas exclaims when seeing Aragorn.  
  
"Nice to see you too," Aragorn says.  
  
In the elfish city of Rivendell, Elrond and Galadriel are talking telepathically. "Hello? Is this Elrond?" Galadriel asks.  
  
"Yes, speaking," Elrond replies.  
  
"Hi, Elrond this is Galadriel," Galadriel says.  
  
"Hey, girl, where are you?" Elrond asks.  
  
"In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo," Galadriel says.  
  
"Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately," Elrond says.  
  
"He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do!" Galadriel exclaims.  
  
"I know!" Elrond replies.  
  
"Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball," Galadriel says.  
  
"And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call," Elrond says.  
  
"Hello? Hello? Elrond?" Gandalf asks.  
  
"Gandalf? Is that you?" Galadriel asks.  
  
"Gandalf! Hey buddy!" Elrond exclaims.  
  
"Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that," Gandalf says.  
  
"Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something?" Elrond asks.  
  
"No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep," Gandalf says.  
  
"Yeah, and?" Galadriel asks.  
  
"And they need your help, moron," Gandalf says.  
  
"Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable," Galadriel says.  
  
In Helm's Deep:  
  
"This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die," Legolas says.  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Aragorn says.  
  
"You're just jealous because I'm pretty," Legolas says.  
  
"You're just jealous because I'm going to be king," Aragorn says.  
  
"You can bite my ass," Legolas says.  
  
"Fuck you," Aragorn says. (Ten minutes later)  
  
"I didn't mean that," Legolas says.  
  
"It's okay me neither," Aragorn says.  
  
"Kiss and make up?" Legolas asks.  
  
"How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?" Aragorn asks.  
  
Back to Frodo and Sam:  
  
Sam is cooking lunch for them. "Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!" Gollum says.  
  
"What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor," Sam says.  
  
"Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious," Gollum says.  
  
"Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest," Frodo says.  
  
"Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic béchamel sauce with some dill," Sam says.  
  
"Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss béchamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes...," Gollum says.  
  
"Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming," Frodo says.  
  
"Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney..." Sam says.  
  
"Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!" Frodo yells.  
  
"Where?" Gollum asks.  
  
"Where?" Sam asks.  
  
"Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us?" Frodo says.  
  
"Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home!" says Faramir. Faramir blindfolds Sam and Frodo and take them to Gondor. "So, who are you, exactly?" Faramir asks.  
  
"I'm Frodo. This is Sam," Frodo said.  
  
"Your..image consultant?" Faramir asks.  
  
"His gardener," Sam says. Faramir's eyebrow rises.  
  
In Helm's Deep:  
  
"This siege is lasting forever. These poor people..." Aragorn says.  
  
"We will fight to the death. We will not fail you," Legolas says.  
  
"Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience," Aragorn says.  
  
"Aragorn! Toss me!" Gimli yells.  
  
"Um, is this really the time?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"Yes! Toss me!" Gimli yells.  
  
"Look, I don't think about you that way..." Aragorn says.  
  
"No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!" Gimli yells.  
  
Back to Merry and Pippin and the Tree guy:  
  
"We have opted not to do a damn thing," Treebeard says.  
  
"I didn't expect that," Pippin says.  
  
"Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!" Merry yells.  
  
"You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry," Pippin says.  
  
"Am I? Thanks," Merry says.  
  
"Don't care. Taking you home," Treebeard says.  
  
"Wait I know! I'll bat my eyelashes at him," Pippin says to Merry.  
  
"Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that," Merry says winking.  
  
"Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?" Pippin says.  
  
"Damn.. How can I say no to those eyes!" Treebeard says.  
  
Back to Frodo and Sam:  
  
Frodo puts on some black eyeliner, climbs on top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. Sam knocks Frodo over and they tumble down the steps. "Ow! Hey! That's it-this time I'm cutting your throat," Frodo says.  
  
"But Mr. Frodo..I was saving the world..you were going to give the Ring to that Ringwraith.." Sam says.  
  
"No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment," Frodo says.  
  
"Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it," Sam says.  
  
"Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude," Frodo says putting down his sword.  
  
Sam gets up and starts a speech: "There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time.."  
  
Back to Merry and Pippin and the Tree dude:  
  
Treebeard finds a field of tree stumps near Sarumon's place (the bad dude) "What the bloody.ENTS! ATTACK!" Treebeard screams.  
  
"Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world," Merry says.  
  
"Aww, you're just saying that," Pippin says.  
  
Sam's voice can be heard he is STILL saying his speech and somehow we can hear it all the way over here: "....And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character.."  
  
In Helm's Deep:  
  
Gandalf and Eomer and some other guys come and wipe out the rest of the orcs while everyone cheers. "Gandalf, finally!" Aragorn yells.  
  
"Yes, my boy, I have come back," Gandalf says.  
  
"Took you freaking long enough," Aragorn says.  
  
And Sam STILL is saying that speech: "The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.."  
  
"Um.. Sam.." Frodo says.  
  
"You know what would have been really cool, though.." Aragorn says.  
  
"What?" Eowyn (the king's niece) asked.  
  
"An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away," Aragorn says.  
  
"Yeah, that would have been cool," the Audience says.  
  
"Hey! We're busy flooding Isengard here! We can't be in two places at once!" Treebeard yells.  
  
Back to Sam and Frodo:  
  
Sam is STILL saying that stupid speech: "....let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to-"  
  
"SAM!" Frodo screams.  
  
"What?" Sam asks.  
  
"They're letting us go now. Come on," Frodo says.  
  
"Oh. Oh! Good!" Sam says. They all continue to Mordor.  
  
"They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute," Sam says.  
  
"Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered," Frodo says.  
  
"Cool. Oh, and by the way?" Sam says.  
  
"Yes?" Frodo asks.  
  
"The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot," Sam says.  
  
"Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that," Frodo says.  
  
"Did you learn that move from Aragorn?" Sam asks.  
  
"Yeah, you like it?" Frodo asks.  
  
Gollum is hiding behind a tree muttering to himself: "..kill.. death to hobbitses.. feed them to Her.. pain, suffering.. make them cry.. kill hobbitses.. SHE will destroy hobbitses.."  
  
When the movie ended the credits began to roll. Professor Greenleaf turns off the T.V. "So did you like it?" Greenleaf asks.  
  
"Yeah!" everyone says.  
  
"Good you will be given a test on it, but first you must write a 500 page report on what you learned from this movie and what the moral of it is.." Oh no! It looks like everyone will have lots of homework. Tune in next time to Harry Pottery and the Strangest Year Ever!  
  
Hell'sQueen: I hope you thought it was funny. I thought it was..  
  
Gollum: death to hobbitses.. kill hobbitses-  
  
Hell'sQueen: Hey shut up! The movie ended, ya know.  
  
Gollum: death to author.. kill author..  
  
Hell'sQueen: *sighs* It's madness. Bloody Madness.. 


	5. Chapter 5: Voldiemort Returns With More ...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any thing except the plot, April Fielding, and Professor Greenleaf.  
  
Chapter 5: Voldemort Returns With More Madness  
  
Harry had a bad dream:  
  
Lord Voldiemort was dancing while a lady in a black dress sang a very disturbing song. Deatheaters were dancing around a bon fire singing the chorus to the song. Then Sauron (from LotR) appeared in the fire and everyone bowed down to him. Then everything blacked out and a girl in a white dress was all Harry could see. "Follow the white rabbit, Harry, it will lead you to victory and glory.." Then the girl disappeared.  
  
Harry woke to find his scar hurting again. What did his dream mean? Harry had no clue, but he would soon find out.  
  
That day it began to rain like it usually does when something creepy is gonna happen. It was a Sunday morning and Harry and his friends were playing Wizards' Chess. "Checkmate, I win," Harry said for the hundredth time. Suddenly an owl came flying towards them and dropped a letter onto Harry's lap.  
  
"What is it Harry?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I dunno.. could be another anonymous letter from Sirius," Harry said opening the letter.  
  
Dear Pothead,  
  
I will get you EVENTUALLY! The Janitor and I have come up with a better song so beware!  
  
Your arch nemesis, Lord Voldiemort  
  
Harry fed the letter to Hedwig and got ready for the next class, which was Transfiguration. While Harry and his friends walked through the hall they could hear an explosion and laughing. Smoke filled the hallway. "Yeah, that's right Mrs. Norris. Run away. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" came the laughter in the smoke.  
  
"It's Voldiemort!" Harry cried.  
  
When the smoke cleared there was April standing there holding a grenade in her hand and wearing leather pants and shirt and cape and boots. She looked like she came out of the movie Underworld or the Matrix. "I think you killed Mrs. Norris," Harry said pointing to the dead cat on the ground. April kicked the cat and shrugged.  
  
"She almost caught me sneaking around the 3rd floor. No way could she tell the enemy my secret plans," April said.  
  
"Who's the enemy?" Harry wanted to know.  
  
"Flitch. He's working for the agents of Voldiemort," April replied.  
  
"Wow! You're amazing!" Draco walked up to April with hearts in his eyes. "Want to go out with me?" Draco asked. April pulled out a gun and shot him. Draco fell to the floor dead. April stepped on Draco and shot him some more and then spit in his face. Then for some strange reason Draco came back from the dead.  
  
"No way," April said to Draco.  
  
"Harry, Voldemort is back and he wants you dead," April said to Harry.  
  
Suddenly Snape came walking through the hall and saw Mrs. Norris dead. "Who did this?" Snape asked looking at Harry. April raised her hand. "TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!" Snape cried. Then Flitch came in and saw Mrs. Norris on the ground.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Flitch cried, sobbing uncontrollably, "Who did this awful thing?" April raised her hand. "I will personally see that you die in agony!" Flitch yelled. April raised her gun and shot Flitch. He fell to the floor dead. Everyone cheered.  
  
"TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!" yelled Snape.  
  
Suddenly Deatheaters fell through the ceiling and landed on their feet, wands ready. The first Deatheater to go through the ceiling cast a spell on Hermione making her go bald. "OHMIGOD!" Harry screamed, "HERMIONE IS BALD!" Then April started shooting all the Deatheaters as she ran through the hall. Finally they were all dead.  
  
"Come on Harry! We must get to the Forbidden Forest before more agents of the Dark Lord come!" April yelled. They all ran. Suddenly Pansy Parkinson blocked their way to the exit.  
  
"I'm not letting you go! MUAHAHAHAHA-" April shot Pansy.  
  
"DIE, BITCH!" screamed April. Pansy dropped dead. Then they all ran to the Forbidden Forest.  
  
For some strange reason it was nighttime even though it had been morning just a few minutes ago. A full moon shone through the dark trees illuminating their path. April handed everyone a gun as they walked though the cold dark forest. Then dangling before them were sticks made to look like people hanging from the trees. Draco began to shiver. "We'll camp here for the night," April said. Everyone sat by the fire while April took watch.  
  
"Let's tell ghost stories," Hermione suggested.  
  
"I go first because I'm pretty," Draco said.  
  
"Fine," Hermione said.  
  
Then Draco began to tell his story: "Long ago in Burkittsville, Maryland there was a haunted forest called Blair Woods. There was a town called Blair that settled there. Everyone lived peacefully until the day that Elly Kedward came to Blair. Elly was known as the Blair Witch. Elly was in search of the man who convicted her mother to die. She always wore a black veil to cover her face because she was scarred from a horrible disease that had befallen her hometown in England. Then one day a woman named Virginia Blair found Elly's book of spells and told the town officials. So they condemned her to be executed as a witch. They left her out in the Blair Woods during a blizzard. She died, but her evil spirit remained killing the people of Blair. Then in 1994 four students went to the Blair Woods to find out if the Blair Witch was real. One student named Heather Donahue found stick people hanging from the trees and then her nose started to run.. And she had no tissues.." Draco said pausing for effect.  
  
Suddenly the wind began to blow harder and harder. The stick people banged together. Then the fire went out. Everyone began to scream and they saw her. The Blair Witch. Crazy as ever and scary as hell. Voldiemort beside her. Lame as ever. "Fear me Harry Pothead! I have returned with a friend!" Voldiemort said. Harry gasped. Then the Janitor appeared with drums. Voldiemort started to play the electric guitar. Then the Blair Witch began to sing:  
  
Haunting your memory we stay We fly through the night You cry and pray Lost in the dark without a light  
  
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!  
  
Haunting me The nightmare never goes away It's here to stay Burning into my memory  
  
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!  
  
You see evil rising like a tower Constantly consuming Conquer and devour Constantly consuming  
  
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!  
  
Haunting me The nightmare never goes away It's here to stay Burning into my memory  
  
Screaming. Fear me! Fear me! Fear me! Fear me!  
  
When the song ended everyone was surprised. The Blair Witch bowed. Out of nowhere black roses fell to her feet. Then the drums, guitar, and microphone disappeared and Voldiemort had his wand ready. "Dumbledore isn't here to save your sorry arse now Pothead!" Voldiemort cried. Suddenly bullets were flying about the place. April shot the Evil Janitor dead.  
  
"Who will clean your toilets now, Pothead?" cried the Evil Janitor as he died. Then it started to rain like it always does in these odd situations.  
  
"NOOOOOO!" Voldiemort yelled to the rain. "You'll pay Pothead! I've come prepared and brought friends!" Voldiemort yelled at Harry.  
  
Suddenly Deatheaters stepped out of the shadows. Then Sauron appeared out of the darkness. They were out numbered 100000 to 6. What was Harry to do? They were trapped with no escape.  
  
Use the necklace, Pothead.  
  
A voice said from the sky. Everyone looked around and saw no one there. "What?" Harry asked.  
  
Use the necklace, Pothead.  
  
"What?" Harry asked.  
  
USE THE FUCKING NECKLACE, DUMBASS!  
  
"Oh!" Harry exclaimed getting out the necklace that the GREAT COW OF GLORY had given him in chapter 3. Harry held the necklace to the Deatheaters and Sauron. "SHABANG!" Harry screamed the magic word to activate the necklace's powers.  
  
The Deatheaters began to melt and Sauron cried: "I'm melting! I'm melting! I'm melting!" Soon there was nothing but pink puddles.  
  
"YAY!" Harry and Co. yelled.  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!" Voldiemort yelled in response. Then Voldiemort remembered he still had the Blair Witch on his side.  
  
"I'll just be going now.." The Blair Witch said and then vanished without a trace.  
  
"SHABANG!" Harry yelled again holding the necklace up to Voldiemort. Voldiemort began to melt.  
  
"Harry, I am your father," Voldiemort said before he melted away. Black cherry blossoms fell from the sky.  
  
"Yay! I did it again!" Harry yelled to the sky. Harry did a victory dance that was quite disturbing around everyone. Then Harry began to sing his victory song:  
  
Yay! I saved the day! From that evil dude I made Voldie pay I had him fooled  
  
Sweet victory! Sweet victory!  
  
Everything is okie-day now That Voldie and the Blair Witch are gone Bless the Great Cow Voldie is gone, but not for long  
  
Sweet victory! Sweet victory!  
  
Happiness is a blessed thing If only it would last But Voldie will be back to sing But now it's all in the past  
  
Sweet victory! Sweet victory! Yay! Everything is okie-day!  
  
Harry would have continued the song, but April shot him. Everyone partied. Snape somehow appeared out of the trees and said: "A MILLION POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!!" Harry came back to life and everyone stopped partying.  
  
Then the Great Cow of Glory fell from the sky. "Good job, Harry Pothead," The Cow said.  
  
"Thank you, Great Cow of Glory, I learned a valuable lesson although I don't know quite what it is," Harry said.  
  
"There is something I must tell you," The Cow said.  
  
"What is it, your greatness?" Harry asked.  
  
"I am really Dumbledore," The Cow said. Harry and the others gasped. The Cow nodded.  
  
Suddenly a squirrel and a white rabbit fell from the sky. "Greetings Harry Pothead. I am Screwed Up Squirrel and this is Random Rabbit," said Screwed Up Squirrel.  
  
"We must take you to the land of Madness to save us from the Evil One a.k.a Voldiemort," said Random Rabbit.  
  
"But I just killed Voldiemort," Harry said.  
  
"In this world he is dead, but in our world he is still alive. Please save us from his evilness," Screwed Up Squirrel said.  
  
"Toenail," Random Rabbit said in agreement.  
  
"Okie-day then. Let's go defeat Voldiemort again!" Harry said. To be continued..  
  
(A/N: looks like Harry and his friends are off on another adventure. Next chapter is bound to me even more crazy!) 


	6. Chapter 6: The Mystical Land of Madness

Harry Pothead and The Strangest Year Ever  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, but the stupid plot, April, Screwed Up Squirrel, Random Rabbit, and Professor Greenleaf. I don't own InuNatasha or Quyhness or Ana-banana or Helen they own themselves.  
  
Chapter 6: The Mystical Land of Madness  
  
Harry and his friends were standing in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. Random Rabbit and Screwed Up Squirrel. "Let's roll!" Draco said. Harry nodded.  
  
"Before you leave, I must give you a gift," The Great Cow said. The Cow gave Hermione a wig to wear since she was bald. "Farewell, Heroes!" The Great Cow said before flying into the night and casting a shadow on the moon. They were once again showered with cherry blossoms.  
  
Screwed Up Squirrel threw some acorns into the air and said a magical word: "Doritos!" The acorns fell in a perfect circle on the ground. "Now, step into the circle and we shall be transported to the land of Madness," Screwed Up Squirrel said. They all stepped into the circle and Screwed Up Squirrel said the magical word: "Frito Lay." Then the ground gave way and they all fell into a spiraling vortex.  
  
After much screaming and falling they all landed in a dark and dismal land where trees grew upside down. "Where are we?" Ron asked holding his head. A huge sign popped up out of the ground it said: "Welcome Peoples to Madnessland! The craziest place in the Universe!"  
  
"Peanuts!" Random Rabbit yelled dancing around in circles. Screwed Up Squirrel shook his head in pity.  
  
"So this is Madnessland," Harry said surveying the landscape. Another sign popped up out of the ground it said: "Correct, Young Pothead!"  
  
"I've read about this place in a book," Hermione said. Everyone stared at her. She looked really weird wearing a blonde wig.  
  
"Let's go. We must take you to the King," Screwed Up Squirrel said. They followed Screwed Up Squirrel to a huge dark castle that was surrounded with black rose gardens. They entered the castle and went to the throne room where the King sat upon his dark throne. Harry looked around himself. Silver and green banners decorated the room. Then Screwed Up Squirrel and Random Rabbit and the others bowed before the King.  
  
"Professor Snape?!" Harry exclaimed after seeing the King. The King was Professor Snape.  
  
"Who were you expecting? Wormtail?" Snape asked.  
  
"No wonder you're so crazy, you're the King of Madnessland," Ron said. Snape nodded. Then an old man they recognized as Gandalf entered the room.  
  
"Gandalf is my advisor," Snape said pointing to Gandalf. Then Legolas entered as well wearing baggy pants and a dollar sign medallion and a beanie on his head.  
  
"Shizzo my nizzo, Harry Pothead!" Legolas said.  
  
"Um.. Hi," Harry said.  
  
"Wazzzzzup, 'Mione?" Legolas asked Hermione.  
  
"Uhhhh. Fine I guess," Hermione said.  
  
"Shizzo my nizzo, Legolas," Draco said. Everyone stared at Draco in disbelief.  
  
"Sup, Dog," Legolas said to Draco.  
  
"What's with this place? Everyone is crazy," Ron said to Screwed Up Squirrel.  
  
"Welcome my world," Screwed Up Squirrel said.  
  
"Hello? Can we talk about how to get rid of Voldiemort?" Harry asked.  
  
"Oh yes. Well Voldiemort lives in a huge dark castle on top of Dark and Evil Mountain," Screwed Up Squirrel said.  
  
"Let's go then," Harry said.  
  
"Wait! We can't leave until we meet all of the uber-cool people!" Screwed Up Squirrel exclaimed. Then all of the uber-cool people came out of the backroom.  
  
"Greetings, Harry Pothead!" Quyhness said.  
  
"Who are you?" Harry asked.  
  
"Why I'm one of the Queens of Madnessland!" Quyhness said like it was obvious.  
  
"Oh. So are you gonna come with us to Voldiemort's dark castle?" Ron asked.  
  
Quyhness giggled like an idiot.  
  
Then another uber-cool person entered the room. "Greetings, Harry Pothead and Co!" InuNatasha said.  
  
"Who are you?" Draco wanted to know.  
  
"An uber-cool person duh! I'm from the real world just like Quyhness!" InuNatasha said.  
  
Then another uber-cool person entered the room. "Hey, ya!" said Ana-banana.  
  
"Who are you?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Isn't it obvious? An uber-cool person!" Ana-banana said. "Harry?"  
  
"Yes?" Harry asked.  
  
"Are you multicellular?" Ana-banana asked.  
  
"Um.. Yeah," Harry said. Ana-banana, InuNatasha, and Quyhness began to giggle.  
  
"That means you're gay," InuNatasha said.  
  
"What's wrong with being happy?" Harry asked. Then another uber-cool person entered the room.  
  
"Hiyaz Peoples!" Cirenidd said.  
  
"Who are you?" Draco asked.  
  
"I'm the author! The ultimate uber-cool person! The Queen of Madnessland!" Cirenidd said. Just then another uber-cool person entered the room.  
  
"You're gay! I'm gay! Let's all be gay!" Helen sang to the tune of Barney's "I love you" song.  
  
"I hate you! You hate me! Let's all kill Barney!" Draco sang.  
  
"You're gay," Helen said.  
  
"Now all uber-cool people must disappear from sight at once!" Cirenidd said. All the uber-cool people vanished. "Now let's get back to the story!" Cirenidd said before vanishing too.  
  
"Ookay. That was weird," Ron said.  
  
They left the castle and saw the dark mountain that Voldiemort lived on. Dark clouds circled around the mountains summit. They all began to journey to the mountain.  
  
"Oh, there once was a Pothead named Harry Who was so high he believed he was a fairy He loves a girl named Hermione Who was so high she fell on her hinny  
  
His best friend is Ron Who was so high he became a con Draco Malfoy, is his enemy Who was so high he failed chemistry," Random Rabbit sang.  
  
Harry shook his head sadly. "I'm surrounded by insane people."  
  
"This is your brain on drugs: HEEEEEEEEEEE!" Random Rabbit cried dancing.  
  
"What are you on?" Harry asked. Random rabbit stopped dancing and stares stupidly at Harry, drool dripping from his mouth.  
  
"Heee?" Random Rabbit asked.  
  
"Forget I asked," Harry said. Then Legolas and Draco began to rap:  
  
Draco: Come coming at you. Come coming at you.  
  
Legolas: Yo. Peep the style. Checking for it. The number one question is how could you ignore it. Drop right back in the cut. Over basement tracks with rap sacks. Got you backing us up. Like rewind that. Just rolling with the rhythm rise from the ashes with stylist division. With these non-stop lyrics are life living. Not to be forgotten but still unforgiving. But in the meantime, there are those who want to talk this and that so I suppose that it gets to a point where feeling are gonna get hurt and get dirty with the people spreading the dirt. It goes.  
  
Draco: Try to if you want it, but everyone ignores me.  
  
Legolas: Told you everything loud and clear.  
  
Draco: But nobody's listening. Called you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me.  
  
Legolas: told you everything loud and clear.  
  
Draco: But nobody's listening.  
  
Legolas: I got a heart full of pain. Head full of stress, filled with anger held in my chest. And everything left is a waste of time. I hate my rhyme. I hate everyone else's more. I'm riding on the back of this pressure. Guessing that it's better I can't keep myself together. Because all of this stress gave me something to ride on the pain gave me something to set my sights on. I'll never forget the blood sweat and tears. Up hill struggle over years. The fearing. The trash talking and the people it was too. And the people that started it just like you.  
  
Draco: try to if you want it, but everyone ignores me.  
  
Legolas: told you everything loud and clear.  
  
Draco: But nobody's listening. Called you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me.  
  
Legolas: told you everything loud and clear.  
  
Draco: But nobody's listening.  
  
Legolas: I got a heart full of pain. Head full of stress, filled with anger held in my chest. Up hill struggle, blood, sweat and tears. Nothing to gain. Everything to fear. Heart full of pain. Head full of stress, filled with anger held in my chest. Up hill struggle, blood, sweat and tears. Nothing to gain. Everything to fear. Heart full of pain. Heart full o pain. Heart full of pain.  
  
Draco: Try to if you want to, but everyone ignores me.  
  
Legolas: told you everything loud and clear.  
  
Draco: but nobody's listening. Called you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me.  
  
Legolas: told you everything loud and clear.  
  
Draco: but nobody's listening.  
  
Legolas: I got a heart full of pain. Head full of stress.  
  
Draco: nobody's listening.  
  
Legolas: head full of anger held in my chest.  
  
Draco: nobody's listening.  
  
Legolas: uphill struggle, blood, sweat and tears.  
  
Draco: nobody's listening.  
  
Legolas: nothing to gain. Everything to fear.  
  
Draco: nobody's listening.  
  
Draco: come coming at you. Come coming at you. Come coming at you.  
  
Legolas and Draco ended their song. Harry was shaking his head and saying: "It's madness."  
  
"Chicken butt?" Random Rabbit asked.  
  
Draco conjured up an invisible convertible and hoped into it. "Come on! We'll get there faster in the invisible madmobile!" Draco said.  
  
"Invisible? Why invisible?" Ron asked.  
  
"So that the bad guys can't jack it!" Draco said in a matter-of-fact way. Harry shrugged and they all hopped into the invisible madmobile. Draco popped in a CD in the built in CD player. He turned up the volume and they all could hear Linkin Park very loudly. Draco sang along with the songs so the journey was unbearable. To be continued!  
  
(A/N: Will our heroes ever make it to Voldiemort's liar alive or will they all die in agony listening to Draco singing along with Linkin Park? Stay tuned to find out! Review!) 


	7. Chapter 7: The Felloship of the Phoenix

Harry Pottery and The Strangest Year Ever!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything! If I did I wouldn't be writing this fanfic I'd be in a mansion having a party. I only own the stupid plot, April, Random Rabbit, Squirrel, the Invisible Madmobile, and Professor Greenleaf.  
  
Note: No Chipmunks were harmed in the making of this fanfic.  
  
Chapter 7: The Fellowship of the Phoenix  
  
They all drove across the land of Madness to Voldiemort's lair. Huge trees loomed over them as they reached the dark forest known as Dark Forest. "This is the Dark Forest," Legolas said.  
  
"Thank you Captain Obvious for that useful information," Ron said.  
  
"Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe. Sometimes I need you to STAY AWAY FROM ME! Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn't know. Somehow I NEED YOU TO GO! Don't stay! Forget our memories. Forget our possibilities-" Draco sang.  
  
"Is there an off button on him?" Hermione asked. Harry pokes Draco looking for the off button.  
  
"I can't find one," Harry said.  
  
"WHAT YOU WERE CHANGING ME INTO! JUST GIVE ME MY SELF BACK AND GO! Don't stay! Forget our memories. Forget our possibilities-"  
  
"Doggie poo?" Random Rabbit asked.  
  
"UGH! THE MADNESS IS DRIVING ME INSANE!!" Harry screamed.  
  
"Forget our memories. Forget our possibilities. WHAT YOU WERE CHANGING ME INTO! Don't Stay!" Legolas turned off the music. "Hey!" Draco cried.  
  
"Please, just put on a different CD," Legolas said. Draco reluctantly put in a different CD.  
  
"Sleeeeeeping Beauuuuuuuuty!" Draco sang to the A Perfect Circle CD.  
  
"Here is a map of Madnessland," Screwed Up Squirrel said handing Harry the old worn out map. They rode through the Dark Forest on the old dirt road.  
  
"Ooh! Six Flags Theme Park is on the map!" Legolas exclaimed.  
  
"Poiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisen! Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeping Beauuuuuuuuuuuuty!"  
  
"I like apple pie," Random Rabbit said.  
  
"Are we there yet?" Hermione asked.  
  
"No," Harry replied.  
  
Two minutes later: "Are we there yet now?" Hermione asked.  
  
"No," Harry said.  
  
"Poiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisen! Sleeeeeeeeeeeping! Beauuuuuuuuuuty!"  
  
"I wear smiley-faced underwear!" Random Rabbit yelled.  
  
"Er um that's nice," Ron said. Suddenly they were attacked by little chipmunks! The tiny cute furry demons fell from the sky like raindrops and landed on top of random people.  
  
"Heyah!" a chipmunk cried clawing at Hermione's hair.  
  
"Oh no! These are the Evil Chipmunks of Doom that dwell in the Dark Forest!" Screwed Up Squirrel screamed fighting off the furry demons.  
  
'How does the theme song to Jaws go?' a chipmunk asked itself mentally. "Oh yeah! DUN DA DUN DA DUN DA DUN DA!"  
  
A ton of chipmunks landed on Harry. They broke his glasses and made several cuts on his face. His nose began to bleed and he was sporting a black eye. "HA! I LAUGH AT YOU PUNY CHIMPUNKS! YOU CANNOT HARM ME! I'M THE BOY-WHO- LIVED!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Attacky!" a random chipmunk yelled pulling Draco's hair. Suddenly the chipmunk died and fell to the ground.  
  
"What happened?" Ron asked.  
  
"According to my calculations it seems that the chipmunks die from exposure to Draco's hair gel," Hermione said. Draco pulled out his bottle of hair gel and threw glops of it at the chipmunks.  
  
"DIE! EVIL CHIPMUNKS THAT MESSED UP MY BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT HAIR!" Draco yelled. All the chipmunks that had come in contact with the hair gel died and fell lifeless onto the road.  
  
"YAY! THE EVIL CHIPMUNKS ARE DEAD THANKS TO DRACO AND HIS WONDERFUL HAIR GEL!!" Everyone cheered. Suddenly the Invisible Madmobile swerved and crashed into a huge tree.  
  
"Thank goodness of invisible seatbelts!" Draco said checking his head where a small gash was. They magically fixed the Invisible Madmobile and drove on to Voldiemort's lair.  
  
Meanwhile in Voldiemort's lair:  
  
"You idiot! I told you to watch out for the hair gel!" Voldiemort yelled at a chipmunk.  
  
"My bad, master, but we had no idea it was so poisonous!" the chipmunk replied.  
  
"Too bad," Voldiemort said and killed the chipmunk. Lucius enters the room.  
  
Bowing to Voldie: "My lord, The Boy-Who-Just-Won't-Die has the Necklace of Meltor!" Lucius said.  
  
"The Necklace of what?" Voldiemort asked.  
  
"The Necklace of Meltor! The thingy he used to defeat you before!" Lucius exclaimed.  
  
"Meltor?" Voldiemort asked. Lucius nodded. "What is Meltor? The spell check says that it is not a word. So what is it?" Voldie asked.  
  
Lucius shrugged. "The author made it up just now," Lucius said.  
  
"Well. We must find a way to get rid of the Necklace of Meltor," Voldiemort said. Lucius nodded and just stood there. "Well?" Voldiemort asked.  
  
"Well what my lord?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Get going! Find out how to destroy the Necklace of Meltor!" Voldiemort yelled.  
  
"Oh right!" Lucius said running off.  
  
"It's so hard to find good henchmen these days," Voldiemort said shaking his head pitifully.  
  
Back to Harry Pothead and Co:  
  
They drove on through the Dark Forest when they came to a beautiful lake in the middle of the forest. They could all hear singing in the trees.  
  
"Lovely maiden Ever fair Forever enslaved in Voldiemort's lair  
  
Mary-Sue! Mary-Sue!  
  
She rides upon a great white rabbit Like a sparkling jewel She's so pretty dammit! She makes you act like a fool  
  
Mary-Sue! Mary-Sue!  
  
Fair deity-like laday Ever bright The light of the partay!  
  
Mary-Sue! Mary-Sue!  
  
The song ended and they could all see a pretty girl with blonde hair with blue streaks. Her eyes were blue with sparkles in them. She wore a blue and silver dress. Her nails were perfectly painted blue. Her skin was so flawless and beautiful that she glowed with radiance. She floated above the lake, water splashing about her. Everyone was captivated by her beauty. Did I mention she was beautiful? "Be blinded by my beauty!" She yelled tossing her hair over her shoulder.  
  
"What is your name?" Harry asked.  
  
"Like Mary-Sue," she said. All the guys drooled as they gazed at beautiful Mary-Sue. She showed off her perfect white teeth that shone so bright everyone had to look away and a random person walking by was blinded.  
  
"Are you an angel?" Draco asked putting sunglasses on.  
  
"Like yes, like I like am like and like I'm like also like part like veela like too!" Mary-Sue said smiling again. She tossed her hair over her shoulder. She then slowly lowered to the ground.  
  
"Why do you always say like so much?" Draco asked.  
  
"Cuz like I'm like a like valley like girl!" Mary-Sue said tossing her hair over her shoulder.  
  
"And must you always toss your hair over your shoulder?" Draco wanted to know a little irritated.  
  
"It's like hypnotizing like isn't like it?" Mary-Sue asked tossing her hair over her shoulder.  
  
"Yeah, but it's annoying!" Draco said.  
  
"Too like bad!" Mary-Sue said and tossed her hair.  
  
"Aren't we becoming distracted from the story?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I like the distraction," Harry said.  
  
"Actually like I'm like really like supposed like to like help like you like to like defeat like Voldie!" Mary-Sue said panting, but still managed to toss her hair over her shoulder.  
  
"OKAY THEN! LET'S GO DEAFEAT LORD VOLIEMORT! TO THE INVISIBLE MADMOBILE!" Harry yelled taking a cheesy heroic pose. They all hopped into the Invisible Madmobile and drove toward the general direction of Voldiemort's lair. On the way they were attacked by (gasp) purple monkeys? Yes. Purple monkeys flew down on them throwing bananas at them.  
  
"Mummy! We're all gonna die!" Ron cried.  
  
"NEVER FEAR RONNIE DEAR! IT IS I! HARRY POTHEAD! THE BOY-WHO-LIVED! I WILL ONCE AGAIN SAVE THE DAY!" Harry cried taking another cheesy heroic pose. Harry pulled out a machine gun that he had borrowed from April and began shooting the purple monkeys. Finally most of the purple monkeys died and the rest flew off in fear. "HA! I LAUGH AT YOU PUNY MONKEYS! YOU CANNOT HARM ME! I AM THE BOY-WHO-LIVED!"  
  
They soon drove out of the Dark Forest and they could see Voldiemort's huge Castle on top of Dark and Evil Mountain. Dark clouds circled around the top of the mountain.  
  
Finally they came to Dark and Evil Mountain. A huge sign said: "VOLDIEMORT'S LAIR!" The sign was next to an elevator. "Convenient!" Draco exclaimed. Ron just nodded. They all gazed at the mountain.  
  
"Well what are we waiting for?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Right.. LET'S ROLL!" Harry said taking a cheesy heroic pose. They all squeezed into the little elevator and they moved up the mountain. As they went up the mountain cheesy music played on the radio in the elevator. To be continued!  
  
(A/N: Will Harry Pothead and his less important friends defeat Voldiemort? Stay tuned to find out! Review!) 


	8. Chapter 8: Dr Evil and His Diabolical Pl...

Harry Pothead and the Strangest Year Ever!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything but, the stupid plot, Random Rabbit, April, Screwed Up Squirrel, and Professor Greenleaf.  
  
Chapter 8: Dr. Evil and His Diabolical Plot  
  
They soon reached the top floor. The two elevator doors opened and they could see.. Lord Voldiemort dressed in a silver shirt and pants. His head was bald and he held his pinky to the corner of his mouth. A smaller version of him stood next to him.  
  
"I've got you now, Harry Pothead!" Lord Voldiemort said.  
  
"YOU WILL NEVER GET ME LORD VOLIEMORT! FOR IT IS I! HARRY POTHEAD! THE BOY- WHO-LIVED!" Harry yelled striking another cheesy heroic pose.  
  
"Actually, I've just changed my name to: DR. EVIL!" Lord Voldiemort I mean Dr. Evil said.  
  
"Er.. Okay. YOU WILL NEVER GET ME DR. EVIL! FOR IT IS I! HARRY POTHEAD! THE BOY-WHO-LIVED!" Harry said.  
  
"Too bad, Pothead. I have come up with a really evil plan that you cannot foil!" Dr. Evil said.  
  
"HA! NO MATTER! I SHALL ALWAYS WIN!" Harry said pulling out the Necklace of Meltor from his pocket. Suddenly a ugly hunchbacked guy wobbled in carrying blueprints.  
  
"Maasster. I've got the plaans," he said.  
  
"Very good, Peter," Dr. Evil said tossing him a doggie treat. Peter jumped up in the air and grabbed the doggie treat with his teeth.  
  
"Peter? As in Peter Pettigrew?" Ron asked in disbelief.  
  
"Yes. Peter Pettigrew," Dr. Evil's replica also known as Mini-Me said.  
  
"Frozen pizza?" Random Rabbit asked.  
  
"No. He said Peter Pettigrew," Screwed Up Squirrel said.  
  
"Meow?" Random Rabbit asked. Screwed Up Squirrel sighed and chose to ignore Random Rabbit.  
  
Suddenly two hobbits and Gollum entered the room. "Hmm. This doesn't look like Mordor. Are you sure, Smeagol?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Oopsie. Wrong map. Sorry master," Gollum replied. Frodo sighed.  
  
"AHH! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" Frodo cried when he noticed everyone in Dr. Evil's lair.  
  
"I AM HARRY POTHEAD! THE BOY-WHO-LIVED! BOW TO ME I AM IMMORTAL!" Harry cried taking yet another cheesy heroic pose. "And these guys are just some friends," Harry indicated the others who smiled and waved.  
  
"Hi I'm Frodo and this is Sam and this is our guide Smeagol," Frodo said. Harry nodded.  
  
"You remind me of a house elf by the name of Dobby," Harry said to Gollum.  
  
"Do we look like an elf to you?" Gollum asked a little angry. "Stupid mortal yes precious," Gollum whispered to himself.  
  
"I BE NO MERE MORTAL! FOR I AM HARRY POTHEAD! THE BOY-WHO-LIVED!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"Hello? I'm supposed to be the center of attention," Dr. Evil said. Once everyone had his attention he continued: "DIE HARRY POTHEAD! MAUHAHAHAHAHA! BUT FIRST: GIVE ME THE RING FRODO!"  
  
"NEVER!" Frodo yelled. "Watch and be amazed as I become invisible!" Frodo slipped on the One Ring. Yet he still remained visible.  
  
"Um we can still see you," Ron said.  
  
"No you can't! I'm invisible!" Frodo yelled.  
  
"Whatever," Dr. Evil said. "Now I will tell you my diabolical plans!"  
  
"What does diabolical mean?" Ron asked.  
  
"I don't believe in big words," Draco said. Hermione sighs dramatically.  
  
"Diabolical or diabolic- adj. Wicked, fiendish, or cruel," Hermione said.  
  
"Hermione! The Amazing Walking Human Dictionary!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"Ahem.. Can we continue with the original program?" Dr. Evil asked. Everyone nods. "My diabolical plans are to kill Harry Pothead and his annoying friends and to blow the United States off of the face of the Earth! MAUHAHAHAHA!" Just then Osama Bin Ladin enters the room with a little llama on a leash.  
  
"Dr. Evil! The bomb has been made!" Osama said.  
  
"GASP! ANOTHER EVIL DOER! NO MATTER I SHALL ALWAYS WIN!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"So this is the annoying little boy that defeated you. But he is only a mere boy!" Osama exclaimed dramatically.  
  
"I BE NO MERE BOY! I AM HARRY POTHEAD! THE BOY-WHO-LIVED! BOW DOWN TO ME! I AM IMMORTAL!" Harry exclaimed taking yet another cheesy heroic pose.  
  
"Ookay. So I was wrong. He is a boy with an over inflated ego," Osama said. His llama nodded in agreement.  
  
"Can we PLEASE get back to me?" Dr. Evil asked. Everyone nods. Then he turns on Harry with his wand in hand. "Now Harry Pothead you will die!" To be continued!  
  
(A/N: Oh no! Will Harry and his friends escape? Will Dr. Evil kill our heroes and take over the world? Will the U.S ever adopt the metric system? I think not! Stay tuned!) 


End file.
